I used to be afraid of being me. I learned to be a perfect chameleon. Never standing out. Never wanting to be seen or noticed. Never feeling good enough. It was easier to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be. Which always changed. So I did too.
I held on to the belief that if I stood out I would get hurt again. That I would be a target.
Then there would be moments when I would lash out. Act out. Screaming inside for someone to notice that I was deeply hurting. Slamming my door as a child and yelling. Gaining a ton of weight within a year after the initial abuse. Crying myself to sleep. Drinking way too much in high school to numb out the inner pain. Attracting a boyfriend that would continue to reinforce the pain. And then another one.
I never realized trauma could do that. I didn’t have the awareness to put the pieces together. I was silenced by shame.
Trauma does that to you. Everything becomes a heightened state of awareness trying to feel safe. I became introverted & reclusive. I was angry inside & terrified of the world.
I learned to be good at putting on a happy face and to show up each day ready for survival. Some days felt like a battlefield. Others felt like I had made it through without stepping on any hidden bombs. Some days felt like sunshine. Rarely.
After my death experience, I stopped all substance numbing and chose to use work as my substance of abuse. People praised success and work achievements. I justified my misery with outward appearance of success.
This could only go on for so long. It took 30 years from the initial trauma for my body and nervous system to decide no more.
Don’t let anyone tell you that healing from PTSD is not possible. Do not allow a diagnosis to be a life sentence. Do not give any more of your power away.
The healing from the pain of my past became the fountain of joy from which I now drink every day. There is a way. You can feel whole again. Inside you, there is a space unaltered by the pain. She/He is waiting for you to return home and give that sweet child what she/he needs.